She's screaming at the top of her lungs. Blood curdling Rage. She HATES him, she screams. She doesn't hate him. She hates that he lies and ignores her when she needs him. "I don't know WHY do I even BOTHHHHEER WITH YOU"? My question for the past 4 months. He had told me he didn't HAVE a GF. I suppose that's how he feels. She's not his GF. Not the way he sees it. She should ask him...so what am I to you? Not that she doesn't already know. That's where the scream originates from.
That's it. Disengage here.
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From my own experience and nothing else I have concluded that a woman who throws tantrums with the force of a two year old, must not have received the usual demonstrative symbols of affection in infancy and toddlerhood and beyond. While it could be the result of all kinds of mental or emotional disturbance brought on by chemical imbalances, PMS, alcohol, drugs....Hungry angry tired lonley, I think there's a root of bitterness in this kind of thing. A very deep painful wound which is reopened when love is withheld. Even if just perceived that way.
There is a certain awareness a girl develops when she grows up watching her father treat her mother well and visa versa. Obviously children learn what they live. There have been numerous studies which conclude that babies need to be held in order to thrive. To grow physically, they need to be held and hugged and kissed and spoken to with loving words. I believe this extends to the mental, emotional and spiritual growth as well. As for little girls, as they grow they need all this AND special words and memorable experiences with the first man in their lives. And if not from Dad, from some man or men. They need to learn what is normal and acceptable. Otherwise the jackasses of the world will confuse them later on. Take em for a ride and throw em off a cliff emotionally. Same thing for boys. Somebody's got to be there to point the way, and not just with words. Loving Interested Actions.I guess that's what fathering is about. Guidance and direction and example. Sad that sometimes the Dada can be the Jackasses.
Of course I could be wrong. I recognize that there are all kinds of other situations in which little girls grow up ( fatherless daughters, part-time dads, abusive or silent dads) and in each family there are dynamics which affect the life long patterns of response and clearly a girl who has to deal with men in life benefits from having a healthy baseline of information and experience.
Anyway, I am talking about 'Nobody's Princess' here, and how we will try to fill that void for the rest of our lives, and sometimes come to a place where we just give up!
The fight is still in there...the needs exist but you just won't allow a man to get that close. If the woman could just read a couple of books on the subject, such as " He's just Not that Into you, or Make Up, Don't Break Up, or The Blessing" she might be able to gain some understanding into the reason for her pain. Learn how to avoid these situations. Stop being so dam furious when she is turned away. I could be wrong. I am wrong a lot, but there is something about going home again if at all possible, to get that blessing which hopefully will restore emotional freedom. Otherwise, the next guy has to be able to give unconditional love or at least be able to calm and convince the damaged little girl that she is loved beyond words. I believe the tantrums are wearying. Red lights flashing. Train is coming. As a imperfect person but someone who considers herself a Christian, I can be just as nasty. I've got ALL kinds of miserable baggage and the scriptures to support my side. But that's a two way street if you are with a bible believing man. For example, there is a proverb in the bible: "Better to dwell on a rooftop than with a contentious woman."
I've heard that one before. Men who are well versed in the Bible have the 'good wife' scriptures ready and in position for the launch. It's usually in defense. To me, any man who whips out a scripture, which conveys my failure as a woman, is a monstrous jerk. Proverbs 31 for example. The virtuous woman. I TRY to be virtuous. I DO! Or Ephesians 5, for the married couple. Telling a man to love his wife as his own body, and the wife, to see to it that she respects her husband. It's really beautiful. But in a fight, especially during PMS,I can see myself saying, "How convenient to minimize the part about loving the wife as your own body..." That would be followed by some derogatory name like ' you little worm' or 'peabrain'. This is why I am not WITH anyone. Who could stand me? Well, it's not all the time. And I am genuinely sorry. But scripture ought never be shot like an arrow or dagger from your holier than thou back pocket.
So it goes on. I find the most distant area upstairs to get away from it. I hate hearing this. Meanwhile he's heard this all so many times that it means nothing. He knows how to quiet her down. Just another fight. Muffled voices. Doors slamming. Sudden silence. Taking it outside. Good. After several months I get it. This is the norm. But I don't want to live this way! Look, guy downstairs, I just want to live in peace and quiet. Happy noises are OK here, but this screaming her brains out is tiring.
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that's it. the rest is just me over thinking about marriage. Feel free to disengage.
So this is what it's like in those 'dysfunctional relationships'. Oh yeah...my old life. This is a babbling brook of a post. A stream of consciousness without any direction but leading out to Home Depot hopefully before it gets dark.
I guess where emotions and cycles of abuse are involved it's hard to end things. Worse to let em drag on, but this is how some couples live. I used to live in a similar situation, only married, and from the inside, you can't really see your way out of it. I would tell him I was going to leave one day and he would say, "WHEN? You keep telling me that. Come on, I'll help you pack." And one day, he did. I can laugh about it now.
I had been saving up items from yard sales and off the side of the road and putting together a room down in the basement which I referred to as 'the cottage'. It was my therapy. A place of refuge and hope. Maybe it gave him hope that I would actually leave one day because he never complained about it. Actually complimented me on my little 'Irish cottage' down there.
Looking back I laugh because I had put it in front of the washer and dryer where I could have some peace from the tyrant upstairs while doing laundry, which is always a comfort. Since moving out of there, I've had to haul laundry to a laundromat. As for my ex, he moved back home with the folks and is situated right near the washer and dryer and is very content in his 'Italian Cottage' basement.
We all learn stuff about ourselves from each relationship and my marriage taught me that I am a pill to live with. A regular pain in the ass. Disorganized. Lazy. Somewhat Anti-social. Creative. Friendly. Non demanding of depth. Superficial and unreachable romantically. Maybe. Funny in a strange way, and virtually unaware of what it takes to reach a man emotionally. Not a clue. I have some ideas from books. Like Lincoln. But the main thing I learned was that I needed someone who had very few expectations and lower standards so I could far exceed whatever they were and succeed as a wife. I also need warm conversation, affection and to be appreciated for my cooking and nesting skills. That's it. Anyway, we're friends now (after 3 years he came through financially during a very severe crisis thank you), but back then I would lose patience with his behaviors and become a screaming banshee, soon reduced to tears, and scratching my head, wondering what the heck he wanted and why I was with him.
I'd run off to heal, but always come back and try again but each time there was more distance and less trust. It became clear within a few months that we were in trouble. One insulting and humiliating episode after another without love. After a period of a few years I sought help from counselors and therapists. We attended a marriage seminar. Useless. I owned several marriage books but had no desire to read them. There was no music. No color. No hopes or dreams or anything. It was just an empty desert of pain and misery with bursts of thunder and lighting and a lot of rain and then nothing. I blame myself for pushing for marriage based on our friendship, without realizing how lame I actually was at deeper relationships. He just made it easy to avoid depth, because he didn't require anything more than what I am. He accepted me as I was and that was that. Let's go to a movie. Unfortunately I had NO idea of what I was getting into. We really do much talking, the man and I. That was fine by me. I talked to people all day. Give me a break. Anyway, when things weren't good I would leave the scene. I always did run away from noise and when I was rejected or treated badly, that was my way. It still is. Hello Goodbye. Never bond and you never really hurt, as I later realized.
I don't want to discuss our faults here. We were both sorry for the way we treated each other and realize that we were just not a good marital match. Not so sure how one goes about determining these things. Sure would have been helpful to have some premarital counseling prior to making that decision. It was my decision made during a time of duress and he just went along with it. I tend to create smoke screens to keep from dealing with life's anxieties and the wedding was a nice example of that. I had no knowledge of the dynamics of my own choices. You just do whatever you know at the time. I tend to stay in the mediocre for so long and then get bored and either run towards the unknown or perceived change or flee from it. Nothing big that happens in my life is gradual. It's always a suddenly thing. I don't go out with someone for so many years, get engaged and plan a wedding like most people. I wish, but seem to become impatient. He had been hanging around for a few years ( knew him from the age of 15, we had dated on and off until I was 25) and thought he loved me. I felt the same way. Romantic notions? There were no romantic feelings. We weren't involved physically. The lack of interest should have been a sign but I tend to miss the big ones. Love is a strange thing I had yet to realize. People I knew thought this this ultimate fairy tale. "He's always loved you!" For me, marriage was a sensible thing to do. 35, single. Nothing else going on. Why not a husband, sex, memories and children? Seemed right to me. It's like I was Dr. Spock of the Starship Enterprise. Logical, Jim.It's not like I didn't like the man. I liked him very much. He was my date on date night and never thought i was fat or ugly. I liked the way he cleaned. And raked my leaves! What more could a girl want? Of course I loved him. He was good to me. Respectful. Kind. Generous.
And so, we went along with it. Rode that tide right up to alter, not knowing much about how it would be. Seemed right. Who needs passion? What is it anyway? Strange how I had lived most of my life not knowing what I needed, or how to get away from what I didn't need. An emotional crippled idiot. It's like letting a drunk drive. People who can't feel stuff shouldn't be jumping into marriage because it's OK....it's gotta be THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO BECAUSE YOU JUST CAN'T STAND TO BE APART and you just gotta BE with that person. Oh the grief we caused each other is a sad thing. Divorce is a sad thing, though we didn't seem very upset at ours. He took me out to Friendly's for lunch afterward. The whole 2 years we were separated there were no scenes, no asking me to come back. He had taken a roommate in who never offered him a dime, and still no tears or fits. 5 months after the divorce he blew a fuse over my dating someone. I chalk that up to his male ego. Of course I was supposed to remain dateless forever.
I guess it happens in some of these arranged marriages, right? Couples who don't know each other fall in love.
But you know, even when it seems right, couples still have to learn to get along, to learn how to fight constructively, to look past certain personality traits, and to know when and how to confront behaviors which can kill a potentially good thing. There's gotta be something there. Passion. Trust. Humor. Touch. Communication. Shared experiences and common interests. Gentleness and understanding of differences. Helping to lighten each other's load. You know, being good to each other. Putting the other guy first. At least half of the time. Blessing each other. Sticking by and having each other's back. Anyway...
Here is interesting thing I learned recently and actually from a guy I met. The more understanding and tolerance you have, the more the other person is supposed to love you, right? Wrong. Actually he told me that the more you give a person, the more you love them. The more they give, the more they love you. You can't GET love by loving and doing. Love is never bought with gifts time affection or assistance, though we each have our needs and to meet them is important as doing so builds trust and respect. Right? And a certain love comes out of respect. But to try to use understanding and meet needs in order to GET love is simply manipulation. You can't force anyone to love you. Why would you want to? Maybe because it's a desire we all have and sometimes we think we know how to get it.
I recently read that in order to find an emotionally available person to connect with, you have to be emotionally available. Otherwise you hook up with emotionally unavailable people, and push them into these pseudo relationships.
I guess if you are happy with that sort of person it works well. You can actually fall in love with a person you can't reach emotionally. It can work fine if you can't be reached either.
What happens when enough people hurt you and leave you feeling bad about yourself. You lose faith and trust in Human love and fall into idolatry of various types which counterfeit relationships.
I like the idea of friendship. It allows for coming and going without the expectations, and has a chance to grow into something more.
I think it's a good starting place but without and that special chemistry which can spark into something passionate and exclusive, it's just a friendship. Without communication which is able to resolve the inevitable conflicts in a respectful healthy way which draws the couple closer in the end, it is best left right there.
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