so you think you can be a grandma mom

I am 46. I've always hoped and believed that somewhere along the line I would meet the father of my children and raise a family. At 35 I married a friend and we tried to bear children without success. We tried fertility drugs and artificial insemination hoping for more than one, you know, to get it over with.

With the exception of one miscarriage, the treatments were unsuccessful. I looked into adoption, however my husband did not share in my enthusiasm. We had a lot of other problems anyway. After the divorce, I continued to hope for a child, adoption or otherwise, thinking that it would happen after I sold my house. Of course there was not enough money at the time to start over AND have a child. As it were I had to rent a place, which did not allow for children.

Eventually I let my dream of motherhood go the way of all of my dreams. Kiss it to God. Not meant to be. On the spiritual and practical side I just accepted the reality. No Mother's Day, No artwork on the fridge, no ceramic chatckees to put around. No school pictures...and on and on. God's will be done.
I found comfort in the single life and eventually stopped the dating altogether. I decided to just stay in the present moment and stop pining over what could have been. Depressing is what it was. Watching every other family as if through a plate glass window.

Living my life like a nun.

I said A NUN.

Right.

And this was my state of being until 2 days ago when it started in again. The nagging desire for a family. For a little girl from China. From anywhere really. A little boy would be nice but I understand that boys are in demand in China. Not so with little girl babies. Anyway. I would LOVE a child, male or female and thought I would move to another home and start the process of adopting my daughter. Or Son.
And so, I started to talk about it again. I have told several people. Most of them have been encouraging. Today I went for a walk with my friend Mike L,
a man who I can always count on for level-headed advice. Shoots straight from the hip, whatever that means.

"I'm thinking about adopting a little girl from China".
Mike reminded me that I've been thinking about that for years. He then reminded me that would be a 'Grandma Mom'.

Oh yeah. I forgot about that. I'm sure he was sort of kidding but it was a valid point. Something to consider. We talked a little about it, but mostly I just pooh-poohed the whole notion of being too old to have young children. I pondered it all afternoon. Seriously. Do I really have the strength and stamina to care for a child..to grow old as the kid grows up into a teeeeenager?

Challenging my authority? Coming in at all hours? Hiding boys in her closet? Slapping me around in my old age? Heaven forbid! Seriously. PMS and hormones can reek havoc.

Depending on the age of the child I could wind up being a grandma mom. An OLD MOTHER. My #1 eX's mother was 40 something when she had him. When we met she was 68 and extremely wrinkled with white hair. She was also an Estonian immigrant who sent him to school with Bratwurst in a paper bag for lunch. He lost his dad at 2, which meant he was left with his old mother and no dad. Maybe being the daughter of an grandma mom isn't as hard on a daughter as it is on a son.



Grandma mom. Is this something I need to think about? Will I be able to keep up with my child's activities? Attend her prom, her graduations? See her uncle walk her down the aisle? Will my child shrink in embarrassment at my wrinkles and gray hair when I am with her? Will my child harbor a grudge that her mother isn't in the same shape as her friends mom? That her mother has at least 20 years and pounds on her friend's mom? Or maybe, if I can work it out, her friends mother will ALSO be a grandma mom. Oh my... So many questions to consider. And what of the love and other things that I can offer this child? The things I could teach her. Weaving and such. Kidding. She would keep me young. Healthy. At least until she hits the teenage years which we can deal with when we get there. 60 year old mom when she is 13? Oi vey...now I am starting to get it. Oh....so much to think about. But somewhere there is a little girl coming into the world who would not have the her momma around to hold her and be there when she needs her...does any of this matter, really? Age? AM I too old for a young child?

I was thinking that if I was a black woman it wouldn't really matter since black women seem to remain youthful way beyond 100.


See?

I think I am more concerned with where I am going to get the money to adopt a child. Worry about the grandma mom thing later. The whole thing just give me a headache.


Time will tell if I ever get to be a grandma Mom or not...