Saturday, 21 June 2008

Regrets, I've had a few.

If you knew you could zero in on any place in the entire world. get a visual,you would wouldn't you, at least 'til the novelty wore off... right?

I found myself checking out Microsoft 'Birdseye View' it's like the Google 'Street View'. only better. You type in any address you want in the WORLD, seriously, and within seconds you're given a 'birdseye' snapshot of the place (within 30 or so yards). Right. So who doesn't want to do that? Where do I wanna go? Who's house do I wanna see? bout the ex? It's been around 15 years. Why not?
I couldn't help myself. I got his most recent address from the white pages and went ahead and put the data into the 'birds eye view'. Within seconds, I'm hovering over his home. Well, not exactly. More like someplace in the deep woods of Vermont, off the main road, before the house was built. Apparently, he's built another home out in the sticks. My first thought was, " Thank God I don't have to live in the middle of nowhere with that man." I am sure he'd share the sentiment. Honestly. It feels as if it never happened, that chapter. But it did. It was a foolish phase. Part of my real life education. A process of making mistakes and moving on. Feeling bad and getting over it. With baggage. Ugh.

Anyway, I am positive that my curiosity about his current life would have creeped out. I don't think curiosity makes me a stalker, though it kind of creeps ME out which is why I'm writing about it. Trying to shake it off. Fact is, I am more likely to use the information to avoid ever running into him.

I have had near misses with the man before. Once when I was getting boxes at a liquor store in Colorado, he walked into the store as I was putting boxes into the car. I had an emotional meltdown in the car. He had divorced me via mail and married number 2. I was shocked, as the last time I had seen him we were married. I let him go, and went to a quiet place to drink myself numb. It was sad. Then, a couple of years later, in 1993, I discovered he was divorcing her, and went out of my way to find him. Bad decision.

Around 2000, on my one and only Carribean cruise, I was walking up these narrow steps to some upper deck and passed a man I was sure was my ex. It felt like his presence. He had sunglasses on and a baseball cap. Did I say anything? Lord, NO. I ignored him. Wasn't even sure it was him, but I felt very vulnerable. Anyway, I knew that he had married a 3rd time and had at least one child. Here I was sitting on the same deck as a guy I THOUGHT was the ex, as he sat sunning himself about 8 recliners over, with his wife. It was upsetting. In all probability it was not him but in my mind's heart, it was HIM, or so I thought. It seemed so much LIKE HIM. I was trying to get a passenger list to find was all just too weird. Never got a list, and it probably wasn't him, but I was sure it was at the time. It felt like him. Cold and distant, just the way a stranger is supposed to be. Just recently, I saw his mug on the internet. Again, I was curious. Ugh. That's it. I'm done. I don't care anymore. I have my closure. Done. A stalker no more. Done.

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